Nothing lasts.

Earlier this week I had made it an urgent task to write about this unfamiliar but buoyant sort of energy I was in for the past weeks or so. Quite contrary to how I have been feeling all throughout quarantine and for most of my adult life I guess, I finally feel like I’m heading towards the right direction.

By this I mean I feel like I have finally identified or am fixated on a specific goal or dream and I have never been this determined before. And no, I do not think I have it ALL figured out, but I guess I can say that I’ve gotten some parts figured out.

Today though, I feel as if there is this strange and heavy cloud over my head that’s blocking my view of the beautifully vast sky. Something so wide and immeasurable that despite not knowing what lies beyond it, gets you enraptured in all its mysteries. This is how I see life today, ever so full of surprises. I am not afraid of uncertainty like I used to. It empowers me now because I know in myself that with this drive, I can achieve anything.

But it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, like for instance today. I am sad. But not helplessly sad. It’s just this weird silence in my head as if the voices that has kept me motivated have gone on a day off. AND THAT IS OKAY.

We are bound to have days like this, but it’s important to keep in mind that nothing lasts. Tomorrow things could be different. And that’s it, that is part of how life is so mysterious. This is why I am excited. We cannot be sure that we will fail. We can never be sure on anything.

So I’m just gonna keep this short and simple. A little update to let everyone know how much I wish I could share this new found mindset to you all. I hope that this virtual hug I am about give is felt from all the other screens out there that gets to stumble upon this humble arrangement of words that wants to give out encouraging energy.

Nothing lasts. You get to choose which way you want to perceive that.

A House that Haunts

I had a dream about a house last night. It was old, tired-looking, and cold. One could sense the unwelcoming air that filled the atmosphere and even as I tried to swing the door open the creaking was deafening I needed a moment to compose myself. You’re going to regret this. You are not ready to see what’s within. I was surprised to hear no sound coming from my footsteps and as I looked down I saw that my feet were not on the ground. I was levitating. This place knows no gravity that allows control. It was pitch dark inside but somehow I was aware that the house was bare and I wouldn’t have to worry about bumping into things. I went inside this room and I could hear nothing almost like I was underwater. This is the part of you that refuses to listen. Overwhelmed, I ran to the other side of the house and found myself in a small faintly lit room full of books. I took one out of a pile and flipped through the pages but it was nothing but colored paper bound together devoid of words. This illustrates your inability to describe your artistic ideas with words. Relentless tears were falling from my eyes as I walked out of the room but it was strange because right then and there I felt completely emotionless. I tried to rub my eyes and when I opened them I noticed a room with a red door. I went inside and it was the only room with a window giving a perfect view of the night sky. The full moon limned each corner of the room, exposing the irreparable state of this home. This represents your depth of perception, you see and understand everything. Hauntingly aware of all the misery that fills your life.

(I was unbearably sad today and wrote this)

What I learned from my __ years of existence and what I wish for myself for the journey beyond

There is nothing more toxic and fictitious than that sense of control all humans constantly obsess over. We rely so much in knowing as if this is the only thing that could bring us peace when actually in most cases, it doesn’t. If anything it brings more feelings of anxiousness. One of the most common things humans feel the need to have control over is our emotions.

This is what I learned from my __ years of existence and I had to learn it in some of the most unpleasant ways, at least for me. I prefer not to compare my experiences with those of others because I don’t feel the need to invalidate what I’ve gone through like that. And vice versa. We will never understand the path in which others are fated to experience their unique lives. This is because we are beings of limitations. We can never completely understand.

And because of this, I came into terms with letting go of the idea that I NEED to have control over certain situations. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect for this to be a piece of cake but because I know we are beings of limitations, I don’t feel the need to be guilty for having a hard time letting go. As long as I’m making progress then I’m good. Am I making any sense?

With letting go, I am choosing to be unapologetic about what I feel. Emotions are part of being human and again, because we are beings of limitations(I promise this is the last time I’ll mention this LOL) we can never control our emotions directly. I mean we can try and I applaud all those who have mastered this skill.

But unfortunately, there are still some who just can’t help but feel. I believe it’s important to let ourselves feel these emotions one at a time so that we can draw whatever lessons and understanding we need out of it. By one at a time I mean experiencing an emotion without having to feel guilty at the same time. Guilt can come after, it always does anyway right?

And I honestly do not like how guilt has always been perceived as something that we should all avoid. I think it’s good to feel guilty because that means we understand and we know that there is something wrong.

What I wish for myself for the journey beyond is to be surrounded by people who would choose to understand me despite all of my mistakes. To maintain respect towards our individual emotional boundaries and allow each one their own time and space to feel whatever they need to feel.

I wish to lend ears absent of undue judgement because humans sometimes just need to be listened to. People often underestimate the power of listening to one another. Most don’t even fully understand the definition of listening.

The world could definitely become a better place if we all just chose to understand or at least respect one another enough to refrain from judging another based on emotions that may seem foreign to us.

I hope this was not too much of a mess to be beyond comprehension. If it is then I’m sorry.  

mistrust and misery

I cannot describe how awkward it is having someone witness/know about my incessant emotional episodes of the day then afterwards try to lift the heavy dampness in the air left by my tears of frustration.

What if this trusty person starts to think ill of me or judges me based solely on this momentary sadness? What if this person starts to say the wrong things in hopes of trying to lift my spirits? No one will ever understand. Such are the thoughts that fester in my already muddled head. This is exactly why I rarely ever open up to people. Hell, I even double think before letting my emotions out to my closest of friends. The fear of being judged often gets in the way of relieving yourself from the emotions that are eating you up and it sucks.

We are all unique, and we can never impose our personal truths upon others who have truths of their own. On my side, I would like to keep in mind that not everyone is horrible and are out to inflict pain upon me. That the mere fact that I chose this person to open up to means that I can fully trust this person and that he/she is a true friend that would rather listen to me ramble on about my misery rather than have to prepare a eulogy for me at my wake.

My heart could never be thankful enough for the people who have always been there, ready to listen, never judging, and respectful enough to know not to pressure me into opening up to them. The world needs more people who are good at listening. And to those people like me, always so skeptical about people, even the people who’ve been nothing but kind to me, try to loosen up a bit. Keep in mind that they feel the same kind of compassion you would have for someone if it were you who were to lend a listening ear.

Always hoping that this makes sense.

Byesies.

The gift of time

The first few days of May have been a maelstrom of pain and contemplation for me.

(Pain)

I guess you could say that being under quarantine for a significant amount of time has turned most of us(by this I mean myself) into choleric and extremely sensitive beings. The internet has become this medium where one can easily pontificate his beliefs without taking into consideration the effect it has on the feelings of other people. Isn’t it off-putting that right now, we have all the time in the world to analyze our hasty judgments, yet we fail to do so and carry on babbling about whatever we feel like saying, unchecked by reason? In other words, we have left no room for kindness and compassion, despite having all this space for it. Am I making any sense? Hahaha. I mean, of course, yay freedom of speech and democracy, but that’s no reason to be callous and unkind towards other people. Especially when it involves sensitive topics like oppression, violence, and rape.

(Contemplation)

My reaction to all these posts and comments has made me realize that I should accept all these statements as one comprehensive fact. That not all humans can resist the ego’s emotional cravings and it’s okay. That if the world cannot foster empathy, foster it in yourself. Be the simulacrum of kindness, even if you’re the only one trying to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we should be perfect, all high and mighty. One is allowed to stumble and make mistakes every once in a while, and I guess that’s where you appreciate the gift of time when you can ponder upon your wrongdoings and improve yourself.

I really hope this makes sense.

byesies.

The privilege of stumbling upon quotes from people of the past

I came across this quote today:

“The gears of poverty, ignorance, hopelessness, and low self-esteem mesh to create a kind of perpetual failure machine that grinds down dreams from generation to generation. We all bear the cost of keeping it running. Illiteracy is its linchpin…. Frederick Douglass taught that literacy is the path from slavery to freedom. There are many kinds of slavery and many kinds of freedom. But reading is still the path.”

It’s disheartening when people choose to remain illiterate despite having all the means to educate themselves.

I laugh at the most mundane things

There’s this article I need to compose and I have carefully placed it on hold while I indulge myself with the meaninglessness of life and hating myself for being disgustingly unproductive at the same time. Geeee what a multitasker!

Anyway, I’ve been spending all day thinking about the word SEMINAL and how it can both mean strongly influencing later developments and relating to or denoting semen. Isn’t that funny. Or am I just excruciatingly corny. I’m sorry I should really start writing that article.

Byesies.

Lifebuoy

The sea carried me to the deep end of the water

With weights tied around my ankles

I found myself unable to swim to the shore

Salt got into my eyes and I could barely keep them open

But I could faintly make out the outline of a person

Standing still, across these turbulent waters

I called out to you desperately, with every last breath I had

But you held yourself back in fear of drowning with me

Time was running out and my legs grew tired of keeping myself afloat

I just needed you to cast over that lifebuoy

 

3292020 // SMC

For Myles,

Hi Myles Albasin, Happy Birthday! Funny thing is, right before I found out it was your birthday today, I was reading articles regarding your case from last year. In addition to the already long list of frustrations I have towards our sorry excuse for a government, your case has sparked a flame inside my heart that’s left me simmering in ire. It’s baffling how life works. You can dedicate your entire life to fighting for the rights of the oppressed yet this noble undertaking could still earn you some enemies along the way.

I feel for your mother. It’s amazing how she’s maintained her strength through everything that’s happened since your arrest. Being a mother myself, reading all those articles had me tearing up because I cannot imagine my daughter being locked up in a cell for extremely dubious accusations.

You, along with your 5 friends tested negative for gunpowder. The shooting encounter the army claimed you started lacked evidence; even the villagers said they didn’t hear the commotion! Those guns could’ve easily been planted as evidence. And the horrible news about the cold blooded murder of your late lawyer, Atty. Benjamin Ramos, has left me speculating that someone from the opposition could’ve been behind this.

How many people must be wrongfully imprisoned to awaken our countrymen that our justice system is faulty and that we are in dire need of change? Despite how frustrating this situation can be for you, best believe that we stand with you in this battle for justice. We know you and your friends are innocent! This is all for a cause that is beyond us all. I hope you maintain the forebearance to endure through these harrowing times. We will not let your efforts go to waste. LABAN MYLES!

 

https://newsinfo.inquirer.net/976781/6-youths-tagged-communist-rebels-test-negative-for-gunpowder?fbclid=IwAR0hFJlYusu9vqqFdY4md5YO7Wj2QkTEbzyslABXZfhobuVqLDF9-pqJb4U

https://www.philstar.com/the-freeman/region/2018/03/20/1798433/case-vs-mabinay-6-military-denies-planting-evidences-suspects?fbclid=IwAR0mgY_M8vgxyIo3axRwmBb6aU0bX3qiO-vdEBEXLHehOd5Nk18A_7vJ1IY

https://newsinfo.inquirer.net/1051514/two-versions-of-mabinay-6-lawyers-final-moment-emerge?fbclid=IwAR1pJAjDVPtuTsGI8wwWn8OzL7Ck9XMfPJ8337-I4MlYjF7N360DplraObk